Episode II – Redeaux

Did the recent two Star Wars episodes evoke a “what the h***?” Yep. They were big budget but they left me cold. Here’s the first (of many) changes I would have made.

I admit it. I can’t help but watch the DVD’s on occasion. But that doesn’t mean they don’t bite. They do. So I puzzle out how I would change them. I mean, they HAVE to be remade or MST3K HAS to parody them. Here’s the first of possibly many rants on:

How to Fix the Star Wars Series.

1. Color Scheme

Problem: I know Lucas was screwed by the original three series. Everything is clean. It’s black and white. Even the ‘gritty’ scenes are squeaky clean. Come on. Life’s messy. I’ve had the benefit of ‘up close and personal’ experience in the Army. I’ve seen the inside of real equipment in real operation. Tanks. Personnel carriers. Trucks. C-123s. C-130s. C-141s. Chinooks. Hueys. Hell, I’ve even been underway on an aircraft carrier. They are all dirty. Even when clean.

Solution: Review the film Wing Commander for how to put together a ship. Real ships have pipes and wires and steel. But especially, they have paint. Every spaceship’s interior get’s painted until every surface has a ’30 coats of paint’ look to it. I was on a United Airlines flight recently (to/from Dulles). Looking out the window of the Boeing 777, the wing had coats of paint. They were also DIRTY. Black goop and soot stained the flaps. That’s real life.

OK, final note. If the Navy paints EVERYTHING haze gray, then I gotta believe a space navy would paint everything dark haze gray.

2. Jar-Jar

Problem: With life being the bear that it is, how does that goofy bastard Jar-Jar score such a sweet job? It ain’t right.

Solution: Jar-Jar, sadly, dies in Episode I.

3. Sanitized Violence

Problem: There’s a lot of supposed physical confrontation. Did anyone on the director’s team ever watch Rocky? When you smack a man, he bruises and often bleeds. Even if everyone ‘miraculously heals’ by the next scene, there’s got to be some real injury in the smack down.

Solution: Rewatch Rocky. And call up Peter Jackson. I think he ‘gets’ it.

4. Obi-wan Kenobi

Problem: I liked Ewan McGregor. My problem is that he needed to smack Anakin. Anyone that has trained in a traditional dojo knows that sassin’ the master is not an option. Not because the master can drop you inside of the space of a single breath. He/she can. No, it’s because you cannot train under a truly great master and not develop great respect for them. It just wouldn’t occur to you to be a jack ass in the presence of one you respect.

Solution: Yea, yea, yea. Anakin is really a gifted Jedi and feels Obi-wan is holding him back. There needed to be a come-to-jesus scene where Anakin smarts off and Obi whips him within an inch of his life. No light sabers. Just plain, old-fashioned fist-a-cuffs. Obi-wan spares Anakin. Anakin starts to distance himself from Obi-wan but remains respectful.

There’s more. Much more. But it willl have to wait. Give some thought to who would replace Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker. ‘Cause, he’s gotta go. Or Obi-wan has to give Anakin two whippings. Something.