—ee cummings

I heard this poem read today and it had me stop in my tracks. It put into words what I’ve been feeling of late but unable to articulate. This year has been dominated by frantically doing and undoing. It’s exhausting.

I’m choosing a word for the day, a single word to change the game for the next 11 hours: Breathe.

It deals with the issue of quitting. I’ve been pushing the workouts pretty dang hard and in new directions. It doesn’t happen often but sometime the routine pushes me right to the line of collapse or barfing. It’s at those times one must be especially mindful of creeping thoughts. It’s easy to rationalize a break or early finish to the workout.

I’ve included the poem here with a concluding quotation from O-Sensei.

Every time I think of quitting,
I think of that comedy jackass
jibber-jabbering his f***ing mouth off.

I pick up my stride,
cut a half minute off my pace
or go to the weight rack
to add some mo’ plates.

There is no quit
’cause there is no tomorrow.
There is nothing but right now,
nothing but pain and sweat and beauty.

The jackass’ contemptuous bray
fades from my mind,
washed away by salted sweat.

Training is prayer.

The following are words from O-Sensei (The Art of Peace)

The penetrating brilliance of swords
wielded by followers of the Way
strikes at the evil enemy
lurking deep within
their own souls and bodies.

Whose woods these are I think you know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Today, I will be strong
and confident in my abilities.
I don’t have to live up
to “other’s” expectations.
Not today…

I will live up to
my own want and desires.
I will choose the tasks
I want to do today…

Just maybe, those tasks
will be leisure activities.
That’s it!
Today I will live for me.

Today, I will be happy…
Just for today.

Chemistry…
The yin and yang;
Man and woman.

Intimacy…
The touch of a hand;
The sound of your voice.

Daydreams…
The memory of you and me;
Together.

Sensuality…
The curse of your back;
a tangle of limbs.

Eyes…
The window to the soul;
Speak the truth.

Kept pure of
Hate and uncertainty
Of you and me.
What would we do,
If we found our way?
No more excuses.
No more fear.
Eyes wide open
Looking straight ahead.
My destiny, my way
Not dysfunctional functional.

I look like me.
I sound like me.
I wake each morning
And live each day.
I know less now
Than I did twenty years ago.
Through it all
I have gained a perspective.
I live in the half-light,
Half-shadow on a
Precarious plane
Expecting all to come
Sliding out from under me.
Perhaps I should go
Back to a simpler time
Where I was not marred
By doubt and misgivings.
Like a new, unsharpened pencil
Full of promise and potential
Unwavering in the intent
To realize a dream
Built upon a destiny
That is truth
If I only believed
In my right to be… me.

I will leave it to you
To find the worth
In the half sentences
And fragmented phrases.

I will leave it to you
To remember me as I was.
Not as I am now
Filled with bitterness
And sorrow.

I will leave it to you
To continue the struggle
To find the goodness and
Light left on this planet.

I will leave it to you
Because I no longer
Have the strength
To see it through.

One small word and then it is done.
Worthless?
Left behind and
Out of reach of self.
Clueless?

I feel like watching a movie…
To lose myself in
someone else’s
creative spasm.
I wish to investigate
the places
I’ve been to before
But, missed because
I traveled there by car
and was
Not paying attention.

I did not see the
hidden details
open to those
that have their eyes
wide open with
brain fully engaged
living in the moment.